How Much Alcohol Did I Consume to Do This?

by Jason Roth on June 26, 2010

A local doughnut shop recently installed a pizza oven. Said doughnut shop is within walking distance of my favorite local bar. It was only a matter of time before I convinced them to make me this:

If you're on a diet, don't ask for the extra cheese.

You might be thinking: “I’ve seen that before. That’s one of those Munchkin and Boston cream doughnut pizzas.” But what you don’t realize is that underneath all that cheese is a layer of mushrooms. That’s right, this is one of those Munchkin and Boston cream doughnut pizzas with mushrooms.

This brilliant concept was brought to life in a two-stage process. The first stage was R&D, which occurred on a previous day and also required alcohol. The second stage was the “Jesus Christ, this is so ridiculous I have to get these bastards to actually make this” stage. But I use “bastards” in the nicest sense possible. Not only was the doughnut shop employee slash pizza maker willing to make this absurd creation for me, he even took special care to make sure the Munchkins were cooked properly.

Huh? That’s right. Whereas the mushrooms and cheese were placed on the pizza at the beginning of the cooking process, he insisted on adding the Munchkins later so as not to, well, “ruin” the pizza. And this guy had another handful of Muchkins ready to go on top. I actually had to tell him I had enough! I’m the drunk fool asking for the doughnut pizza and here I am having to weigh the pros and cons of additional Munchkins before saying, “No, thanks, I think my pizza has enough Munchkins.”

In yet another flash of inspiration, I asked for a big doughnut to be placed in the middle. It only made sense that it be a cream-filled doughnut, so on went the Boston cream. You might not be able to see the chocolate and sprinkles under the cheese, but oh yeah, it’s there.

That meatball almost makes this pizza look good. Oh, never mind. That's a chocolate Munchkin.

Since some Dunkin’ Donuts executive somewhere is flipping out about an unauthorized pizza oven installation, let me point out that I’m using the term “Munchkin” in the generic sense. This was a Twin Donut Plus restaurant,  but I’ll be damned if I use the phrase “doughnut hole” (and I’ll be even more damned if  I use the spelling “donut”). As far as I know, Dunkin’ Donuts invented the Munchkin, so they’re going to have to live with the fact that, thanks to me, there will always, throughout the rest of time, have existed at one time on this Earth: a Mushroom, Munchkin, and Boston Cream Doughnut Pizza. If either they or the city of Boston should wish to use this name for marketing purposes, I hereby grant permission.

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