I discovered this gem of modern nutritional science in a copy of my wife’s Self magazine. (Where and why I was reading this magazine would take some explanation not entirely appropriate for a blog about food, so you’ll have to take my word for it that my reasons were entirely innocent.)
Lean Cuisine "Bacon Alfredo Pizza". Goes great with a Weight Watchers Diet Cheeseburger Flavored Milkshake.
Presumably, the Self magazine ad for Lean Cuisine’s Bacon Alfredo Pizza was directed at women who believe they have too much self. So, we’re talking about a good chunk of women for whom the words “bacon”, “Alfredo”, and “lean” combined in one product description are like “gets you higher, faster” and “no more prostituting yourself necessary” coming from the mouth of your crack dealer. We’ve now entered dreamland, and long-term thoughts such as “What happens if I get thin but still like eating stuff like bacon Alfredo pizza?” are not likely to be considered.
What better way to train one’s self to eat healthier than to camouflage healthful food as junk. Does this pizza perchance come with an electronic grinder of some kind, and a funnel, so you can gorge yourself on its nutritional goodness even faster?
My first reaction to this pizza was: does this even sound appetizing to someone? I would think, if the idea was even somewhat enticing to a mainstream audience, I would have heard of a non-Lean Cuisine version of this. Wait a second. Domino’s would sell this. Domino’s has an Alfredo bread bowl pasta, for Christ’s sake.
Come to think of it, Domino’s is a perfect partner for Lean Cuisine. And Lean Cuisine is a perfect introduction to Domino’s. There’s gotta be some kind of cross-promotion to be had here. A free cheesy crust pizza with the purchase of every five or ten Lean Cuisine entrees? Oh, wait, cheesy crust is Pizza Hut. They’ll have to partner with Weight Watchers. No, I got it. Nice and simple: create a Lean Cuisine membership program. Call it, say, Lean for Life! Give members a membership card. Did I say “membership” card? I meant “discount” card. Good for half off your second Domino’s pizza, and two liters of Diet Coke for the price of one.
And always, always: add free bacon and Alfredo sauce to any order. But just one per Lean for Life! member, please!
